


Secrets Kept, Silence Earned

by DJLNZ



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at angst, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Suicide, only mentions of relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 14:48:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7578265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJLNZ/pseuds/DJLNZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee Lux is never noticed. Well, that's not true. People trust him, because they all assume he doesn't talk to anyone else. So they tell him things. They spill secrets to him that could destroy reputations and humiliate others. But he never speaks them. Many of these secrets are crushes; people pining for other people, not having the courage to tell anyone, but needing to tell someone. So they tell him. He knows everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets Kept, Silence Earned

Lee Lux sat in the back of the room, listening like he always did. He kept his eyes trained outside the window, but he heard snippets of the conversations casually floating through the classroom. The bell had just sounded, signaling the end of the school day, but nobody was in a hurry to get out. He slowly stood, gathering his things and making his way to the gym for volleyball practice. He heard conversations as he walked, unnoticed, past them on his way down the hall. As he slipped into the gym, the same thing happened. He didn't so much receive a "hello" from anybody, but that was normal. He ducked absentmindedly as a ball whizzed past his head, slamming into the wall on the other side. He kept his head down as he noticed the lack of a "sorry!" shouted from the orange haired decoy, that he gave to everyone else. Quickly changing in the club room, he nimbly avoided all elbows and flailing limbs as he made his way back out. Lee's eyes stayed trained on the floor as the coach yelled instructions at them, but complied. As he ran, he carefully managed to stay out of the way of the other players as they zigzagged back and forth around him. He took note that the coach had forgotten to put him in the practice match, but that was okay. It was normal. Instead of staying for the entirety of practice, he packed up and grabbed a bite to eat at a nearby convenience store. He still came back at the end of practice, helping clean up and waiting after everyone left. Waiting so he could get in a little bit of practice himself. But he lurched in surprise when a hand landed heavily on his back, stopping him in his tracks. He turned at the familiar voice of the captain.

"Lee, can you keep a secret?"

Those six words. The answer was always yes.

"Yes. What do you need to get off your chest?" He asked in response, the question dull from being used too many times. But it always worked, seeing as Daichi's shoulders seemed to fall as he relaxed.

"You have to swear not to tell anyone, especially Suga." He said, looking at Lee with an intense gaze. Lee nodded, signaling for the other to continue. Daichi took a deep breath, before speaking again. "I have a crush on Suga. And it's nothing light either. It's like, I've fallen hard for him. I don't know what to do!" He cried out, burying his face in his hands. Lee's heart squeezed in his chest, having had a similar conversation earlier that week, but from the other side.

 

_Flashback:_

_"I have a crush on Daichi and I don't know what to do!" The grey haired setter cried, burying his face in his hands. Lee felt his heart break, but kept a calm face. After all, that's what he's best at. Besides. Nobody cares about how he feels anyway. Instead of speaking, he held the other in his arms, offering what silent comfort he could. He hoped the other couldn't feel his lack of heartbeat, considering his heart was now nothing but shards of glittering glass, broken and stepped on beyond repair. But he mustered a smile as he rubbed Sugawara's back, whispering comforting things to him as the other cried._

This time, Lee gave the other the advice he had restrained himself from giving to Sugawara.

"Just talk to him. I'm sure things will go down well." He stated, grabbing his bag. He cringed at how he sounded, his voice a little harsh. But Daichi didn't seem to notice, seeing as he was nodding and grabbing his things in a hurry.

"You're right. Thanks for listening Lee. I feel better with that off my chest." Daichi called behind him as he sprinted out after his vice captain. Lee nodded, turning his gaze back to the ground. It was always the same. Voices from past confessions ran through his head.

_"Lee can I tell you something?"_

_"Can I confess something?"_

_"Can you keep a secret?"_

_"I'm in love with Hinata."_

_"I was the one who broke the vase that was the dean's favorite."_

_"I saw the second period algebra teacher on her knees, giving that popular third year, Yamada I think his name is, a blow job in the bathrooms."_

_"Thanks for listening!"_

_"If feels a lot better now that I've said it."_

_"Thanks a ton Lee. I feel so much better."_

It was always the same. And he never told, because he almost never spoke. He sighed as he made his way into the night, starting his long trek into the looming darkness.

 

The next day at school, Daichi and Sugawara and their newfound relationship were the talk of the volleyball club. Everything blurred by, the only things sticking out being when Sugawara approached him later, thanking him, and Daichi doing the same, neither knowing that the other had confessed to the boy in the shadows. He sighed heavily, retreating back to his place in the back of the classroom as the remaining shards of his heart were crushed violently beneath the heel of a boot that belonged to himself. He had done this before; helping the one he loved confess to the one _they_ loved. But he could never confess. No matter how many people confessed to him, he could never find the courage to tell anyone _his_ secrets. Not that anyone would care in the first place. He hummed softly as he stared out the window, the day blurring by, but unaware of any of it except for the clouds that had moved across the sky. Practice flew by in a similar manner, seeing as he had been confined to the bench for the entirety of the activity. But he decided to stay for extra practice after hours, so he could practice more, and maybe be allowed on the court during games for once. Sighing, he picked up a ball, and tossed it into the air.

 

Several hours later, Lee was sweating hard, but he had not lost any of his intensity or strength. All the anger that had built up over the months of being treated as nothing but an ear to talk to was being released bit by bit. With each ball he slammed on the other side of the net, that was one person and their secret. He had served and spiked over 100 volleyballs. Finally, he couldn't take it, and he screamed as he kicked over the empty basket. Furiously, he grabbed his bag and stormed out the door, slamming it shut so hard that the sound echoed for blocks. As his vision blurred, he realized he had started crying. Gritting his teeth, he scrubbed his eyes with his sleeve, choking out a few strangled sobs as he ran to his favorite place to hang out and calm down: the bridge. Collapsing at the top, his cries became audible and he screamed at the top of his lungs, the cry long and agonizing, full of pain and cracking at the end. The scream went on so long that his voice gave out before he stopped, and he finished his scream with nothing but a hoarse exhalation of breath. His hands had made their way to his hair and he was pulling on handfuls of it so hard that ebony strands were falling onto the cobblestones under his knees. Hot tears burned their way down his cheeks as heaving breathes wracked his body, shoulders shaking violently.

 

_Never enough..._

_Better, better, BETTER!_

_You're worthless._

_You're nothing but someone to confess to._

_Nobody cares about how you feel._

_You're only a shadow in the corner of the room._

_You're pathetic._

_You don't deserve to live._

_You have too many secrets._

_Why should you keep their secrets for them?_

_You could ruin the people that hurt you._

_You could destroy them._

_But you won't because you're a weak, pathetic being not even worthy enough to be called a human._

_You aren't loved._

_You should die._

 

Voices echoed in his head, and the boy began to shake his head. The movement started weakly, but ended as a violent movement, his hands pressed hard to his ears.

 

"No... no no no NO NO NO!"

 

His voice became louder and louder till he was screaming again, his voice cracking but not giving out. He was so absorbed in his thoughts, that he didn't hear footsteps fast approaching, but he definitely felt the hand on his shoulder. He jumped back, falling over and scooting backwards a bit. Through his blurred vision, he managed to make out silvery hair, glowing under the street lamp.

 

"L-Lee?! What's wrong? Are you okay? Let me he-"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

 

The other flinched backwards, sepia hues filled with hurt and confusion.

 

"Lee, please... Let me-"

"NO! Get away and STAY AWAY!"

"Lee just listen to me!"

 

Lee kept his gaze away, trained on the backs of his eyelids, but he was silent, as if signaling the other to continue. Sugawara sighed, then continued.

 

"Tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help. It's not healthy to keep it boxed up like this. You need to tell someone!"

 

He held a pale hand out.

 

"Please. Let's go to my place and talk about this."

 

Lee remained silent and still, not moving to take his hand. After a few moments, he spoke, his voice now deadpan and his face emotionless.

 

"No."

 

He stood, grabbing his bag in the process and leaving the other in shock of his rapid emotional change.

 

"Lee-"

"I said no."

"Lee please!"

"No. Besides, you wouldn't get it. You wouldn't know why I feel this way."

"Try me."

"What position do I play on the court?"

"Uh...."

"Where do I sit for lunch?"

"Well..."

"What year am I?"

"You're.... um..."

"Do you know anything about me?"

"Well, I know you play volleyball and that you have black hair and-"

"I DON'T play volleyball. You do. I just happen to be in the club. But I've never been in a game. I'm always forgotten on the bench. But that's okay."

 

Lee turned away.

 

"Because it's normal."

 

Sugawara had risen to his feet, looking at the ground.

 

"Lee, I'm so sorry-"

"You think 'sorry' is going to do anything? Do you think that 'sorry' will take back the years and years of damage this treatment has done to me? My my. You are more stupid than you look."

 

The other remained silent, shaking slightly. It took a second for Lee to realize he was crying. He rolled his multicolored eyes.

 

"Listen. I know you're just trying to befriend me because you pity me. Well you can drop the act and go back to your boyfriend."

 

Lee sneered, something inside of him having snapped a long time ago.

 

"You don't really care. Stop pretending. Don't lie. I don't treat liars very well."

 

Lee turned to go.

 

"You'll forget this. You'll forget me. I guarantee it. I'll see you tomorrow. Though, I'm not sure you'll see me."

 

With that, Lee left.

 

 

The next day, Lee's seat was empty. While nobody actually actively noticed, something felt off. Something felt, unsafe. Even Sugawara didn't notice. But that was to be expected. As the day droned on, Lee's seats remained empty, yet not even a single glance was cast in its direction. Something settled over all of Lee's classes, making their skin crawl and their eyes flicker back and forth. The backs of their necks prickled, but they didn't know what was wrong. The same thing happened the next day, and the next, and even the next. But nobody knew what was wrong. Nobody.

 

Lee stood on the edge of the bridge, balancing precariously on the guardrail.

 

_"Just one step and it's all over. Isn't that what you want?"_

 

Lee nodded, even though it was just a voice inside his head. Taking a deep breath, he looked out over the moonlit water, the silver rays rippling across the near frozen surface. As he gazed at the scene, he realized that he was currently the most peaceful he'd been for years. He even went so far as to allow a small smile to appear on his lips. Making his decision, he slowly leaned forward, twisting as he went so he was watching the guardrail. There was an audible yelp.

 

"LEE!"

 

As he was falling, he heard the voice, Instead of panicking or anything else, he gave a small smile to Sugawara, lookin like he finally belonged here. He spread his arms wide as he plummeted. Giving him a sloppy salute, he hit the water. The icy sting was quickly sporting a feeling of ecstasy as he realized that, 'this was it.' He was finally going to die. He faintly saw a pale limb reach underwater for him, but he pushed himself deeper, avoiding the arm. He found the warped image of the moon and focused on that, smiling as his eyelids fluttered closed, just as a hand grasped his wrist.

**Author's Note:**

> I was just lounging around, thinking, when this prompt came to mind. And while I know it's gonna sound depressing, I write this from personal experience.


End file.
